Stella's First Day of School
(started from the mind of Thelma)
Stella climbed behind the wheel of her Toyota Corolla. She immediately lowered the window until the air conditioning could cool the car. It was warm in the car and she didn’t want to show up for her first day flushed and sweaty. Stella fished her sunglasses out of her purse and willed herself to be calm. “Relax,” she told herself aloud.
She was anything but relaxed though. At the age of 58 she was going back to college. Ridiculous. She was too old. Stella blamed Gemma. Gemma was the one that had encouraged her mother to complete her degree. Gemma herself was a recent college graduate. She had attended Wellesley College. The best education money, and Stella’s ex-husband—the plastic surgeon Phil—could buy. Gemma had studied comparative literature and at the end of her very expensive schooling, had moved to Jackson Hole to live with Tag, the unpromising, heavily tattooed and pierced artist. Gemma got a job as a cocktail waitress. Like Stella had wryly told her friend Karen, at least Gemma could speak with impeccable grammar when she took customers’ orders. That education wasn’t going to waste. Ha ha.
Perhaps Stella had set a bad example all those years ago, well before Gemma was born, when she’d dropped out of college to put Phil through medical school, Phil who two years ago had run off with his anesthesiologist. Maybe the reason Stella had finally caved and enrolled for classes at Southern Connecticut State was to teach Gemma the value of education.
Sooner than she would have liked, because the drive hadn’t settled her stomach enough, Stella pulled into the parking lot. She checked the map to make sure she knew where her class was located. Eventually she wanted to become a speech therapist but first she had to complete the last of the general ed. classes she hadn’t finished nearly forty years ago, the last time she was in college. Today she had to go to biology.
As Stella was following the stream of children—and that is what they were—to class, she felt old. These kids were younger than her own daughter. She felt a little better when she caught her reflection in a passing window. Petite and athletic, she still had the slim figure she’d had her whole life. Her hair, though helped along with dye, was blonde and recently cut in a stylish chin length style. Since the humidity had lessened a little, it even looked halfway decent today.
Stella found a seat near the back of the room. She pulled a notebook and sharpened pencil out of her leather messenger bag. Eyeing her fellow classmates, she realized she didn’t need to feel self-conscious. No one noticed her or was paying any attention to the older woman.
With a lurch she noticed the teacher. He was chatting with a student, his back to the room. It wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him. She checked her schedule for the name of the professor. Rothschild. That wasn’t a very common name. Her heart started pounding again as he walked to the front of the room. It absolutely was him. It was Calvin. She had no idea he was back in New Haven. Calvin had been her high school sweetheart, her first kiss. They had promised each other they’d marry someday but they had gone to different colleges. She’d met Phil and that had been that. He’d married someone else too. Chrissy or Christie or something like that.
He turned and faced the classroom and he still had the bluest eyes she’d ever seen. He still had all his hair, but it was graying at the temples. He did not have a wedding ring on his finger.
And he hadn’t noticed her yet.
(Frances)
Would he even recognize her? She felt her face flush. After all, she didn’t look like that eighteen year old who had gone off to college with promises flying in the air around her. Besides, she still had her married name. After 36 years of marriage, she was used to it and quite frankly, hadn’t gotten around to changing it. The overactive butterflies in her stomach were yelling at her.
Calvin started the roll call. She had a few more names before he got to her. Deep breaths. He’s just an old friend.
“Stella Hocking,” Calvin called. He looked around the room until he saw Stella’s hand slightly raised. He looked at her, looked back down at the name and then looked at her again before he went onto the next name. Stella couldn’t tell if he recognized her or not. He seemed to, with that double take, but gave no other indication that he knew who she was. She cracked opened her first day of school notebook and prepared to take notes. It was what she was here for. It was a long class, especially long because she was having a hard time staying on task. Her mind kept wandering back to Calvin and high school and college and what might have been.
Get a grip! He’s my professor and I am no longer a twitterpated teenager. Pay attention.
Her pep talk lasted an entire five minutes and then the class was over. Time flies when you’re not paying attention.
“Stella Hocking,” called Calvin. “Could you please stay after a few minutes?”
“Sure,” stuttered Stella.
“Thanks, the rest of you I’ll see on Wednesday,” said Calvin.
Stella sat in her seat and waited while people stormed the front podium to try to add or drop the class or whatever else they needed from Calvin. Kids were moving out the doors and there were no more coming in. There must not be a class after ours since it’s so close to lunch time. Before she knew it, she and Calvin were the only ones left in the room.
Calvin began approaching her desk. He had a big smile across his face. “Stella Hocking. Am I right in assuming that you are the one and only, very famous Stella Smith from Wilbur Cross High School? The most fabulous head cheerleader who cheered on the Governor’s basketball team as we won the championship game in 1974?”
Stella was smiling now. She’d forgotten about Calvin and the championship basketball team. If she were honest, she’d forgotten about Calvin until she’d seen him in the front of her classroom, but she remembered now.
Calvin gave her a smile and went on, “You can’t possibly be the Stella Smith I sent off to college almost 40 years ago? You look way too young to be that Stella Smith!”
“Ahh, Calvin, it’s good to see you again after all these years,” said Stella.
“Yes, it’s great to see you again too. How’d you end up here in my class?” asked Calvin.
“I’m here to finish up my degree. I’m in the Eli Whitney students program. This is my first class.”
“Well that sounds very interesting. What’s your next class?” asked Calvin.
“I actually have a break for lunch and then another class at 1:00.”
“Great. Let’s go get lunch. I’d love to get caught up on what’s happened in the last 40 years.”
“I think that might take longer than an hour!” Stella replied.
“Well, let’s start with lunch and see how much we get through. It’s my treat. I know how you poor college students are always looking for a free lunch. Let’s go,” said Calvin and he swept her along toward the cafeteria.
(Heather)
The cafeteria was a busy place, with students all over the room, happily chattering with their friends about how their first morning of classes was going. Stella wasn’t sure if they would be able to find a place to sit. All the tables were occupied, although some were covered with the books and papers of a lone student optimistically focusing on their laptop, trying to get a jump on their new semester classes.
“Is it always this crowded in here?” Stella asked, looking around the bustling room.
“At lunch it is,” Calvin said, picking up two trays and handing one to Stella. “I usually eat in my office. Too many students in here to pepper me with questions.”
Stella chuckled.
“I bet they love you here,” she said, remembering Calvin’s warmth and humor from high school. She selected a prepared cobb salad from the refrigerated section and set it on her tray. “Remember the time you set some sort of stink bomb off in Mrs. Wilbur’s world history class? I swear that I never saw anyone go unglued like that before. To this day, the thought of her beady black eyes popping out of her head still makes me laugh!”
Calvin staggered around in a mock-frenzied manner, tugging at his hair with his hands while screeching in a high-pitched voice, “The Commies are coming! The Commies are coming! They found me at last!”
Several of the surrounding students looked at Calvin curiously, but then shrugged and moved on. Stella and Calvin were in a fit of laughter.
“Good old Mrs. Wilbur. I wonder whatever happened to her,” Stella said at last, trying to gain a bit of composure.
“I think she retired a few years after we graduated,” Calvin replied. He selected a chicken salad sandwich and grabbed a bag of chips.
“I bet you put her over the edge. She probably never recovered,” Stella teased.
“I bet you’re right,” he said, smiling. “Now I get to be the old fart at the front of the class that no one wants to listen to.”
“I highly doubt that,” Stella replied, shaking her head. She grabbed a bottle of water, then added a peanut butter cookie on her tray at the last second. Why not? She deserved a little treat her first day of school.
After paying for their food, Calvin led the way back down the hall and out into an open green space with benches spread along the perimeter of the concrete walkways. The benches were already occupied by students who were busy eating, chatting, or studying. Stella and Calvin found a spot on the thick grass that was conveniently covered in the dappled shade of a silver maple tree and made themselves comfortable.
They ate their lunches in the pleasant shade, enjoying the subtle breeze which lazily played with the leaves above their heads and ruffled Stella’s hair.
She talked of her life since high school. Her disappointment and heartbreak over Phil’s betrayal, her worries and fears over Gemma’s choice of lifestyle. Stella felt so comfortable talking with Calvin. It was almost like they had never been apart. Like they had placed a bookmark in a favorite book, put it aside in a forgotten location, then discovered and reopened it later, delighted to continue with the story.
Finally Stella began to feel self-conscious. Up until now she had dominated the conversation, but Calvin’s easy manner had put her right at ease.
“Tell me about you, Calvin,” she said. “I remember that you had gotten married not long after I did.”
Calvin’s face turned soft, and he looked away. “Yes,” he said simply. “Christine.”
The pause became long enough that Stella began to feel uncomfortable. Calvin was looking off toward a couple who were sitting on the grass under a large tree. They were sitting shoulder to shoulder, touching each other companionably as they talked together. Stella could hear the girl’s tinkly laugh from across the grass.
Finally Stella broke the silence. “What happened?” she asked softly.
“We were together for twenty years. We had a wonderful life together. We had two boys and a girl and the house was always full of their friends.”
He paused, evidently looking for the words to continue.
“When the boys were in high school, and Shelly was in middle school, Christine went back to work. She was a librarian. At first, we thought that her fatigue was due to a change in her schedule, the added burden of going back to work. But she just got more and more tired. It got to the point that she could hardly stand on her feet for more than a few minutes. And she was losing weight. Fast.”
Stella’s stomach clenched in a knot. She was afraid of what was coming next.
“Finally I convinced her that she needed to see a doctor. Christine was always so healthy. She never needed doctors before. We discovered that she had stage four breast cancer. It was aggressive, and already in her lungs and bones. The doctors said that we could be aggressive with chemotherapy drugs, but they would not be able to cure her. The drugs would only prolong her life for a few months, tops.”
Stella touched Calvin’s arm lightly. “I’m so sorry, Calvin,” she said, blinking away the tears which were starting to spill from her eyes.
Calvin smiled and nodded, still watching the couple on the lawn.
“We had a great life together,” he said. “Christine was a wonderful mother. The children missed her terribly. It was very hard on them.”
“And very hard on you, I would imagine,” Stella interjected. “You had to raise them by yourself, then?”
“Yes. They are good kids, though. Christine had started them off on the right foot. All I had to do was continue with the pattern that she had started.”
“Where are they now?” Stella asked, curious.
“Randy is an airline pilot in Miami. He has three boys, all wild and full of energy. I can hardly keep up with them when they come to visit, and neither can the house. Charlie is in the Navy, stationed in South Carolina right now. He’s still single, but I haven’t given up hope on him yet. Then Shelly lives in Idaho with her two little ones. Her husband is an IT guy at Hewlett Packard. They are doing well there, but I don’t get to see them nearly enough.”
“It sounds like you have a wonderful family,” Stella said warmly,.
“Yes, I have been blessed,” Calvin said, then smiling broadly he turned toward Stella. “Now here I am reunited with a good friend. Life can give you such sweet surprises every now and then.”
(JoLyn)
Stella brushed the crumbs off her lap and checked her watch hoping that the time hadn’t gotten away from her while she had been reminiscing with Calvin. “I don’t suppose you could point me in the direction of the mathematics building? My 1:00 class is calling me.”
Calvin stood and stretched and then reached down a hand to Stella. She realized she could use the help. She had been so engrossed in the conversation that she hadn’t realized how stiff she had become from sitting on the ground. There was nothing like a sore body from doing nothing more than picnicking on the ground to remind herself that she wasn’t eighteen anymore. Upon standing, Stella stamped the numbness out of her leg and made a mental note to add a yoga class to her workout routine when she went to her gym tomorrow. She had noticed during the course of conversation that Calvin was keeping himself fit.
“Cut across the quad and then hang a left at the fountain. The math building is the one that resembles a prison minus the barbed wire.”
She smiled ruefully, feeling like incarceration might well be better than taking a math class. “Well, I guess I’ll see you Wednesday,” Stella said as she gathered up her bag and trash.
Calvin reached out a hand to take her lunch tray. “Right, don’t forget to read the first two chapters and sign up for a lab time.”
Stella had almost forgotten what had reunited the two of them. Calvin went to kiss her cheek at the same time that Stella had a momentary thought flash through her mind that maybe it was against school policy to be kissing her professor. She stiffened and stepped back at the last second, causing Calvin to stumble slightly as his lips met air instead of flesh. Stella mentally kicked herself as she simultaneously grabbed his arm and apologized. Why had she done that?
Stella hoped that her awkward maneuver hadn’t ruined one of the most comfortable and frankly, intimate encounters she’d had in a long time. She had caught Calvin furrowing his brows slightly as he recovered his step, but his face was placid again as he waved goodbye and she headed in the direction he had pointed her. Stella tried to put her gaffe out of her mind as she tried to focus on her upcoming class.
Knowing she had to pass the basic math class was what had almost derailed Stella’s decision to go back to school. Math had never been her forte and beyond the basics of balancing her checkbook, estimating gas mileage, converting recipes and the like, she found she had hardly ever used it in the decades since dropping out of college. Say what you will about Phil, Stella admitted, but he had been a champ at helping Gemma with her calculus homework.
Basic Math 111--math for general studies--was disastrous. Stella had no idea what was going on and it surely didn’t help that the class was taught by a TA with no previous teaching experience and a voice that rarely rose above mumbling. He stationed himself behind a lectern and projected the equations he was doing from his ipad to the large screen at the front of the room. Stella couldn’t remember ever learning this stuff. In fact, there were certain mathematical symbols that she was certain had been invented in the lengthy interim since her last math class. A quick peek at her schedule told her that she was indeed in the right class. She tried to quell the panic rising up from her chest as the TA turned the lights back on and assigned three pages of homework.
Stella hurriedly tried to finish copying down the sample equations in her notebook, but the screen was soon blocked by the bodies of the other students. She realized they were lining up to take a photo of the board on their phones. Stella was suddenly feeling very old and very far removed from her previous student years. But she determined this was the kind of change she could get behind and grabbed her phone to line up with the other students. She also decided to stop by the Math Department Office on her way out of the austere, gray building and line up a tutor. She had taken on bigger challenges in her life; a little old math class wasn’t going to stop her.
As Stella wove her way across the quad, through students young enough to be her grandchildren, her thoughts kept returning to Calvin. What were the chances or reconnecting with him? It had been over half a lifetime since she had seen him, but those years seemed to melt away this afternoon. She had enjoyed renewing their friendship this afternoon so much--minus the embarrassing farewell, of course. Stella’s mind drifted back to the relationship they had previously, back when they had promised they were going to marry each other. Stella hadn’t had feelings like that for a long time. The divorce was fairly recent, but Stella realized those feelings had been missing from her life for a long time before Phil ran off. Stella felt herself blush a little remembering the first kiss she had shared with Calvin. Was it nostalgia or hope to rekindle some passion that was making her feel so warm on the September afternoon? Stella laughed at herself; a romance with her biology professor was just what she needed to get her college career off to an auspicious start.
(Thelma)
That weekend, Calvin called Stella and asked her to dinner. They went to Louis’ Lunch, the birthplace of the hamburger and also the place where they had gone on their first date decades ago. Stella didn’t know if it was a coincidence or if Calvin was feeling sentimental when he suggested it. Either way, she was happy to go.
Their conversation over that meal and many subsequent meals over the next weeks was comfortable. Unlike some of her high school friends who she now had very little in common with, it was easy to reconnect with Calvin. They shared the same taste in movies and had read a lot of the same books. It turned out they were both fans of Yale Hockey too. They went to the home games together and cheered on the Bulldogs.
As the semester progressed, Stella and Calvin saw more and more of each other. She felt the same excitement she felt in high school when he called or when they were together. They were kind to each other and careful about the pasts they hadn’t shared. Calvin asked very little about Phil and never made Stella think that she had been stupid to put up with him in the first place. As for Stella, she tamped down the slight jealousy she felt about Calvin’s relationship with Christine. She asked questions about their life together and showed an interest in his children and grandchildren. She helped him pick out birthday presents for his grandchildren and he helped her with her math homework.
Three weeks before finals, Stella and Calvin were eating dinner together at Pepe’s. They were splitting a margherita pizza and talking about how spectacular New Haven pizza was. “The best in the world,” Calvin said between bites. Stella nodded, her mouth full of pizza. When they were done eating and had finished the pie, they both sat back and smiled at each other.
“This has been fun,” Calvin said.
“You mean eating an entire pizza between us?” Stella asked.
“Well, yes,” he said, “But I meant spending time together.” He reached over and took her hand. “I like being with you,” he said.
Stella smiled. It was fun. She tried not to overthink it or push the fledgling romance into something it wasn’t. Now, it seemed maybe Calvin wanted to talk about things; define the relationship. As if on cue, her cell phone rang.
It was an unfamiliar number, but a Jackson Hole area code. “Excuse me,” Stella said, “I think I should take this.” She rose from the table and shrugged her coat on while simultaneously answering the phone and walking outside to the sidewalk.
The woman on the phone told her she was a nurse at St. Johns’ Medical Center. She said, “Do you know Gemma Hocking?”
“She’s my daughter,” Stella said, walking a few feet away from the noisy crowded entrance to the restaurant.
“There has been an accident and Gemma has been admitted to the hospital. You were her ‘in case of emergency’ contact on her cell phone.”
“An accident? Is she OK? What happened?” Stella felt like her knees were going to give way. Calvin was suddenly at her side. Wordlessly, he took her arm and guided her down the street toward his parked car. He unlocked her door then walked around to the driver seat and started the car, turning up the heat. Meanwhile, the nurse on the other end of the line was explaining to Stella that there had been an accident and Gemma had been a passenger in a car. The driver had apparently been drinking and had crashed. Thankfully there were no other cars involved. They were both in critical condition. “Thank you,” Stella said, “I’m on my way.”
She hung up the phone and looked over at Calvin. He was watching her carefully. “What is it?” he asked, touching her arm.
“Gemma,” she said, “I have to call Phil.”
While she found his number in her contacts, Calvin said, “I’ll drive you home.”
Phil lived in Greenwich, in the house they used to share. After the divorce, Stella wanted nothing to do with him or Greenwich. She had returned to New Haven, where she’d grown up, and bought a little house in West Haven near the beach. Phil answered the phone and listened to what she knew about Gemma. “Which airport do you want to fly out of?” he asked.
“I-I don’t know,” Stella stammered. She couldn’t process all of this.
“I’ll get you a ticket. I’ll let you know what I work out,” Phil said. He didn’t even say good-bye before he hung up the phone.
Stella discovered they were sitting in her driveway and Calvin was looking at her expectantly. She said, “Gemma…”
“I know,” Calvin said, “I heard you telling Phil. Are you OK?”
“Yes,” she said, although she really wasn’t. “I wish I could talk to Gemma.” She had the sickening realization that Gemma was unable to talk, that’s why they’d looked on her phone for an emergency contact.
“Can I do anything for you?” Calvin asked.
“No, thank you. And I’m sorry about tonight.”
Calvin waved his hand. “No apology necessary.”
“I guess I’m going to fly out there,” Stella said, “I’d better go get ready.”
“Do you need me to go with you?” Calvin asked.
Stella looked at him, a little surprised, would he really be willing to go with her? “It’s OK,” Stella said, “You need to finish up the semester.”
“Yeah,” Calvin looked glum at the prospect.
Calvin hugged her a little longer than usual when he said good-night. “I’m really sorry,” he said, “Please call me if you need anything. Let me drive you to the airport.”
“OK,” Stella said, allowing herself to sink into his arms a little bit before putting herself back together. She had to get to Gemma.
Stella didn’t end up needing a ride to the airport from Calvin. Phil got them both tickets out of Hartford so he picked her up on his way early the next morning. When Stella called to tell Calvin, he sounded a little disappointed. Also, he reminded her about his daughter Shelly. “She lives in Idaho Falls,” he said, “That’s just a few hours away from Jackson Hole. Just call her if you need anything.”
Stella couldn’t imagine needing to call Calvin’s daughter that she had never met but she dutifully wrote down the phone number anyway.
Phil looked relaxed while they drove to Hartford, only his hands clenching the steering wheel tightly gave away his anxiety. “Tad,” he said out of the blue.
“Do we even know for sure she was with Tad?”
“I guess not.” He looked over at her and asked, “Are you OK?”
“I think so, thanks for getting the tickets and picking me up.”
“Of course,” he said.
Phil had always been the one you wanted in a crisis. He was level headed and good at planning logistics. Also, he could afford to foot the bill.
They traveled along in silence for awhile and Stella watched the trees whiz by on the the side of the interstate in the early morning light. All the bright leaves were just about gone.
“Hey,” she said, suddenly, “Do you remember when we saw a wild turkey on the side of the road one autumn and Gemma wouldn’t eat turkey for a year.”
“She didn’t know it was meat from an animal.” Phil laughed at the memory. Then he turned to her, looking more serious. “I miss you Stel.”
Stella just looked at him.
“I made a mistake.”
“What about--”
“Angie? We broke up. About a year ago.”
“Really? Gemma didn’t say anything…”
“I don’t think she knows. She’ll hardly talk to me.”
Good for Gemma, Stella thought as she turned toward the window again.
After a few more minutes of silence, Phil said, “Stel?”
“Let’s just go take care of our girl, OK?” Stella said.
********
In Jackson Hole, Phil drove the rental car straight to the hospital. Phil and Stella stood side by side while they spoke to the doctor. He called them Mr. and Mrs. Hocking and assumed they were still married. No one corrected him. The doctor had good news to report about Gemma. She was now stable. She had several injuries, including a head injury, and was in a medically induced coma. He didn’t have good news about Tad. Tad had indeed been the one driving drunk. He had died during the night. A wave of sadness and survivor guilt and relief that her daughter was improving passed over Stella when she heard about Tad. She had to put him out of her mind though. She needed to attend to Gemma. Stella was good at putting things out of her mind. It was a skill she had perfected over the past several years with her divorce.
After they visited their sleeping daughter and held her hand and told her they loved her, Phil convinced Stella to go with him to the hospital cafeteria for something to eat.
After they had discussed Gemma’s condition and prognosis, Phil was noticeably more relaxed. They both were. It was a relief to be there and know that Gemma was improving and in good hands. “I got us a condo at The Four Seasons,” he said, “It’s out by the ski resort but it’s all I could find.”
“Us a condo?” Stella asked.
“It’s all I could find,” he repeated. “And don’t worry. It’s a two bedroom condo.”
“I’ll just stay here with Gemma,” Stella said.
“You need your rest,” Phil said. He flagged down a cafeteria worker and asked her for a straw. After Phil had flashed his smile at her, she acted like it was a great honor to track down a straw for him. He handed it to Stella. He had remembered that she preferred drinking with a straw.
“Thank you,” she said humbly.
“Your hair is different,” Phil said, turning his megawatt smile to her, “I like it.”
Stella sipped her water and said nothing.
“I meant what I said,” Phil said, “Angie...it was all a mistake. A huge mistake.” There was a pause and he continued. “I know, you don’t want to talk about it right now. But seeing you again…”
“We should get back to Gemma,” Stella said.
********
Over the next few days, Gemma’s condition steadily improved. Eventually they lessened the anesthesia and she was awake for a few minutes off and on during the day. She kept telling them how sorry she was about the accident. They had both decided not to tell her about Tad until she was more recovered. Stella dreaded the time when Gemma would ask about him and she was grateful to have Phil there. It had been a long time since she’d felt like she had a partner in parenting. It was nice to be with someone who cared about Gemma as much as she did. She hated to admit it, but it was nice to be around him again too. He could really be very charming.
At night they would drive back, exhausted, to the condo. It was luxurious and Stella was sure, very expensive. Most nights she’d go into her room and shut the door. The entreating looks Phil gave her were nothing she felt like confronting. Multiple times a day, Calvin texted to check in with her and ask about Gemma’s progress. One evening, she called him He had asked her to call when she had a chance. After he had inquired about Gemma, he said, “I miss you, Stella.” It was a thrill to hear him say that. Stella could feel herself blushing.
“I miss you too,” Stella said. And she did, but she was also confused. She liked being with Calvin. He made her laugh and made her feel needed and appreciated. He reminded her of what it felt like to fall in love with him back in high school. He made her pulse race. At the same time, she wondered if she’d ever get over feeling like she was a weak replacement for Christine. Christine was the one he’d shared a life and raised his children with. He loved Christine. Stella wanted what Calvin and Christine had had. Perhaps sensing her mood, Calvin changed the subject and started telling her about a student of his who had skipped most of the semester of classes and was now trying desperately to get a passing grade out of him.
“She brought me cookies!” Calvin said in disbelief.
Stella laughed and said that she thought she would have to make cookies too to make up for the classes that she was missing. Phil must have heard her laughing. He tapped on the door and then walked in.
“M*A*S*H is on TV,” he said. It was the show they loved to watch together when Gemma was a baby.
Stella held the phone away and said softly, “OK, just a minute.”
“Do you need to go?” Calvin asked.
“It’s just Phil,” Stella said.
“Just Phil?” Phil said incredulously, “Just Phil?” He was mocking her and smiling wickedly.
“You’re in the same room?” Calvin asked.
“No,” Stella said, turning away from Phil, “Well, we are sharing a condo but there are two bedrooms.”
“Oh.”
“So, who was that?” Phil asked when she hung up the phone a few minutes later. “New boyfriend?”
“Actually, it’s an old boyfriend,” Stella said, enjoying the look of discomfort that flashed briefly across Phil’s face. “It’s Calvin. We dated in high school and he’s my biology professor at Southern. We’re friends.”
“Friends, huh?”
“Yes.”
“Well, let’s watch M*A*S*H,” Phil said, “I had room service bring in a walnut brownie ice cream sandwich. Do you want to split it?”
Stella smiled. There was comfort in being with someone who knew her tastes and she had almost forgotten how much she had enjoyed their ritual of sharing a dessert while they watched a TV show. She settled in on the couch and thought maybe it wasn’t too late to try for what Calvin and Christine had had. Maybe she could have it again with Phil.
********
The next morning Stella and Phil were at the hospital and met with Gemma’s doctor. He said that Gemma was doing so well they were going to move her out of intensive care. They were in a buoyant mood after the meeting when Stella got a text message from Calvin, “I’m thinking of you. Call when you can?”
Phil had heard the chime of the text. “Message from your friend?” he asked with a smile. He’s jealous, Stella thought. The thought made her smile. How ironic.
“Yes,” she said, “I’m going to go make a call.”
Calvin answered his phone immediately. “I thought you may be in class,” Stella said.
“You’re forgetting the time difference,” he said. “I’m done for the morning.”
“How is it going? Any more visits from the desperate student?”
They talked awhile about Calvin’s morning and Stella filled him in on the good news about Gemma. Then Calvin said, “Things ended abruptly that night at Pepe’s. I wanted to talk to you more.”
“OK,” Stella said, not knowing where this was going.
“I loved Christine very much,” he said.
“Yes, I know.” Why was he telling her this? She knew!
“I...have really enjoyed spending time with you,” he said. Stella closed her eyes. She was bracing herself to hear him say that it wasn’t the same with her, he didn’t want to continue.
“This is really hard to express,” he said.
“Listen,” Stella said, “This is hard over the phone. Let’s wait until I get back home and then we’ll talk OK?” She did not want to deal with this right now.
“All right,” he said miserably.
Stella hung up the phone and her shoulders drooped. It was for the best anyway. She didn’t want to spend her life being second to Christine. He might as well end it now. She looked up and saw Phil standing before her, watching her. “Guess who is hungry?” he asked, smiling.
“Gemma?” Stella smiled too and followed him back down the hall to Gemma’s room. This was progress. Gemma was getting better all the time.
“So how’s your friend?” Phil asked as they walked.
“Fine,” Stella said. She knew Phil wanted to hear more but she didn’t want to say more.
In the room Gemma was smiling and looking more like herself than she had through the whole ordeal. “I want food!” she said.
A nurse talked with her about what she could eat and promised to bring it back. After she left, Gemma turned to her parents. “I asked the nurse about Tad and she wouldn’t tell me anything. She said to ask you. Is he OK?”
Stella felt Phil by her side and felt his arm at her back, supporting her. He knew how she had been dreading this moment.
“Sweetheart--” she began, “He didn’t survive the accident.”
“What?!?” Gemma burst into tears and Phil and Stella sat by her bedside, comforting their daughter, together.
*******
Despite all of the great progress Gemma had made, that was perhaps the hardest day at the hospital. Gemma was heartbroken over the loss of Tad. She felt guilty that she had survived and that she had let him drive. “He kept saying he was fine,” she wailed. Phil gently took their daughter in his arms while she cried and Stella looked on, eyes welling with tears too.
When they finally left the hospital, Phil said, “Let’s go to dinner. I’m starving.”
Stella agreed. They found a small Italian restaurant and settled into the booth. “That was rough,” Stella said.
“You were amazing though,” Phil said, “You’ve always been such a good mother.”
“You were pretty good too,” Stella said, “It was easier to be there together.”
“This is what I’ve been telling you,” Phil said. “We belong together, Stel. I love you. I’ve made some big mistakes. I was rotten. You have to forgive me though. I want you back.”
While he spoke, Stella looked up into Phil’s handsome face. She was remembering all the small kindnesses he had given her in the past days. He had been attentive and charming. He knew what she liked. It was just comfortable to be together. Maybe they should give it another try.
At that moment, a woman in a tight and revealing dress walked by the table. She caught Phil’s attention and he broke off from what he was saying as his eyes followed the woman’s progress past the table. The woman smiled coyly at Phil and kept walking. Phil watched her go then turned his attention back to Stella.
That was as familiar as sitting next to him or Phil remembering she liked to drink with a straw too. Maybe on some level Phil did still love Stella, but he had not changed. She could see that.
“I’ve got to go,” Stella said, “I’ll take a cab back to the hotel.” She rose from the table and Phil was right beside her.
“What is it?” he said, “Are you OK?”
“I just want to leave,” she said.
“Well I don’t even know if you could get a taxi around here,” Phil said, “I’ll drive you.”
Stella waited by the door while Phil paid for their half eaten food. She wasn’t hungry anymore anyway. She was mostly angry and not even at Phil. Poor Phil didn’t even know what had happened. She was angry at herself. How could she be so desperate that she could overlook Phil’s wandering eyes?
She had done that long enough. She was a different person now. She didn’t need Phil and she was not going to put up with his antics again.
Phil kept trying to ask her what had happened while they drove back to The Four Seasons. “I’m fine,” Stella said with a sigh.
“I’m going to walk through the lobby and see why the wi-fi wasn’t working in our room this morning,” Phil said.
“I’ll go with you,” Stella said. It was late and she didn’t want to walk down the wooded path to their condo alone.
A familiar figure rose from a couch in the lobby.
“Calvin?” she said, stunned.
“I needed to talk to you,” he said, looking from Stella to Phil and back to Stella again. “Can I?”
“Yes,” Stella said. It was hard to wrap her mind around Calvin standing here in front of her.
“I’m her husband,” Phil said.
“Oh, sorry,” Stella said, “Calvin, this is my ex-husband, Phil. Phil, this is Calvin.” They awkwardly shook hands.
“Can we go for a drive?” Calvin asked.
Stella nodded.
Once inside the car, Calvin didn’t turn the key, instead he faced Stella and said, “Stella, I love you. I tried to tell you at Pepe’s and on the phone this morning. I couldn’t get the words out. I also couldn’t stand the thought of you here, with him.”
“What? I thought you were breaking up with me.”
“I love you,” Calvin said, “I was trying to explain...about Christine. I loved her. We had a good marriage. But, I love you. I always have. I want to be with you. I don’t want you to get back together with Phil.”
“So you flew here? To tell me this?”
“Yes,” Calvin said, “I was terrified. You sounded so distant on the phone and then, you were sharing a room with Phil…” Calvin shook his head. “I lost you to Phil once before and I am not going to let that happen again.”
“But…”
“Please,” Calvin said taking her hand in his, “Just give us a chance.”
“OK,” Stella said, smiling up at him.
Calvin pulled Stella across the front seat for a kiss more intense than either of them thought was still possible.
She was anything but relaxed though. At the age of 58 she was going back to college. Ridiculous. She was too old. Stella blamed Gemma. Gemma was the one that had encouraged her mother to complete her degree. Gemma herself was a recent college graduate. She had attended Wellesley College. The best education money, and Stella’s ex-husband—the plastic surgeon Phil—could buy. Gemma had studied comparative literature and at the end of her very expensive schooling, had moved to Jackson Hole to live with Tag, the unpromising, heavily tattooed and pierced artist. Gemma got a job as a cocktail waitress. Like Stella had wryly told her friend Karen, at least Gemma could speak with impeccable grammar when she took customers’ orders. That education wasn’t going to waste. Ha ha.
Perhaps Stella had set a bad example all those years ago, well before Gemma was born, when she’d dropped out of college to put Phil through medical school, Phil who two years ago had run off with his anesthesiologist. Maybe the reason Stella had finally caved and enrolled for classes at Southern Connecticut State was to teach Gemma the value of education.
Sooner than she would have liked, because the drive hadn’t settled her stomach enough, Stella pulled into the parking lot. She checked the map to make sure she knew where her class was located. Eventually she wanted to become a speech therapist but first she had to complete the last of the general ed. classes she hadn’t finished nearly forty years ago, the last time she was in college. Today she had to go to biology.
As Stella was following the stream of children—and that is what they were—to class, she felt old. These kids were younger than her own daughter. She felt a little better when she caught her reflection in a passing window. Petite and athletic, she still had the slim figure she’d had her whole life. Her hair, though helped along with dye, was blonde and recently cut in a stylish chin length style. Since the humidity had lessened a little, it even looked halfway decent today.
Stella found a seat near the back of the room. She pulled a notebook and sharpened pencil out of her leather messenger bag. Eyeing her fellow classmates, she realized she didn’t need to feel self-conscious. No one noticed her or was paying any attention to the older woman.
With a lurch she noticed the teacher. He was chatting with a student, his back to the room. It wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him. She checked her schedule for the name of the professor. Rothschild. That wasn’t a very common name. Her heart started pounding again as he walked to the front of the room. It absolutely was him. It was Calvin. She had no idea he was back in New Haven. Calvin had been her high school sweetheart, her first kiss. They had promised each other they’d marry someday but they had gone to different colleges. She’d met Phil and that had been that. He’d married someone else too. Chrissy or Christie or something like that.
He turned and faced the classroom and he still had the bluest eyes she’d ever seen. He still had all his hair, but it was graying at the temples. He did not have a wedding ring on his finger.
And he hadn’t noticed her yet.
(Frances)
Would he even recognize her? She felt her face flush. After all, she didn’t look like that eighteen year old who had gone off to college with promises flying in the air around her. Besides, she still had her married name. After 36 years of marriage, she was used to it and quite frankly, hadn’t gotten around to changing it. The overactive butterflies in her stomach were yelling at her.
Calvin started the roll call. She had a few more names before he got to her. Deep breaths. He’s just an old friend.
“Stella Hocking,” Calvin called. He looked around the room until he saw Stella’s hand slightly raised. He looked at her, looked back down at the name and then looked at her again before he went onto the next name. Stella couldn’t tell if he recognized her or not. He seemed to, with that double take, but gave no other indication that he knew who she was. She cracked opened her first day of school notebook and prepared to take notes. It was what she was here for. It was a long class, especially long because she was having a hard time staying on task. Her mind kept wandering back to Calvin and high school and college and what might have been.
Get a grip! He’s my professor and I am no longer a twitterpated teenager. Pay attention.
Her pep talk lasted an entire five minutes and then the class was over. Time flies when you’re not paying attention.
“Stella Hocking,” called Calvin. “Could you please stay after a few minutes?”
“Sure,” stuttered Stella.
“Thanks, the rest of you I’ll see on Wednesday,” said Calvin.
Stella sat in her seat and waited while people stormed the front podium to try to add or drop the class or whatever else they needed from Calvin. Kids were moving out the doors and there were no more coming in. There must not be a class after ours since it’s so close to lunch time. Before she knew it, she and Calvin were the only ones left in the room.
Calvin began approaching her desk. He had a big smile across his face. “Stella Hocking. Am I right in assuming that you are the one and only, very famous Stella Smith from Wilbur Cross High School? The most fabulous head cheerleader who cheered on the Governor’s basketball team as we won the championship game in 1974?”
Stella was smiling now. She’d forgotten about Calvin and the championship basketball team. If she were honest, she’d forgotten about Calvin until she’d seen him in the front of her classroom, but she remembered now.
Calvin gave her a smile and went on, “You can’t possibly be the Stella Smith I sent off to college almost 40 years ago? You look way too young to be that Stella Smith!”
“Ahh, Calvin, it’s good to see you again after all these years,” said Stella.
“Yes, it’s great to see you again too. How’d you end up here in my class?” asked Calvin.
“I’m here to finish up my degree. I’m in the Eli Whitney students program. This is my first class.”
“Well that sounds very interesting. What’s your next class?” asked Calvin.
“I actually have a break for lunch and then another class at 1:00.”
“Great. Let’s go get lunch. I’d love to get caught up on what’s happened in the last 40 years.”
“I think that might take longer than an hour!” Stella replied.
“Well, let’s start with lunch and see how much we get through. It’s my treat. I know how you poor college students are always looking for a free lunch. Let’s go,” said Calvin and he swept her along toward the cafeteria.
(Heather)
The cafeteria was a busy place, with students all over the room, happily chattering with their friends about how their first morning of classes was going. Stella wasn’t sure if they would be able to find a place to sit. All the tables were occupied, although some were covered with the books and papers of a lone student optimistically focusing on their laptop, trying to get a jump on their new semester classes.
“Is it always this crowded in here?” Stella asked, looking around the bustling room.
“At lunch it is,” Calvin said, picking up two trays and handing one to Stella. “I usually eat in my office. Too many students in here to pepper me with questions.”
Stella chuckled.
“I bet they love you here,” she said, remembering Calvin’s warmth and humor from high school. She selected a prepared cobb salad from the refrigerated section and set it on her tray. “Remember the time you set some sort of stink bomb off in Mrs. Wilbur’s world history class? I swear that I never saw anyone go unglued like that before. To this day, the thought of her beady black eyes popping out of her head still makes me laugh!”
Calvin staggered around in a mock-frenzied manner, tugging at his hair with his hands while screeching in a high-pitched voice, “The Commies are coming! The Commies are coming! They found me at last!”
Several of the surrounding students looked at Calvin curiously, but then shrugged and moved on. Stella and Calvin were in a fit of laughter.
“Good old Mrs. Wilbur. I wonder whatever happened to her,” Stella said at last, trying to gain a bit of composure.
“I think she retired a few years after we graduated,” Calvin replied. He selected a chicken salad sandwich and grabbed a bag of chips.
“I bet you put her over the edge. She probably never recovered,” Stella teased.
“I bet you’re right,” he said, smiling. “Now I get to be the old fart at the front of the class that no one wants to listen to.”
“I highly doubt that,” Stella replied, shaking her head. She grabbed a bottle of water, then added a peanut butter cookie on her tray at the last second. Why not? She deserved a little treat her first day of school.
After paying for their food, Calvin led the way back down the hall and out into an open green space with benches spread along the perimeter of the concrete walkways. The benches were already occupied by students who were busy eating, chatting, or studying. Stella and Calvin found a spot on the thick grass that was conveniently covered in the dappled shade of a silver maple tree and made themselves comfortable.
They ate their lunches in the pleasant shade, enjoying the subtle breeze which lazily played with the leaves above their heads and ruffled Stella’s hair.
She talked of her life since high school. Her disappointment and heartbreak over Phil’s betrayal, her worries and fears over Gemma’s choice of lifestyle. Stella felt so comfortable talking with Calvin. It was almost like they had never been apart. Like they had placed a bookmark in a favorite book, put it aside in a forgotten location, then discovered and reopened it later, delighted to continue with the story.
Finally Stella began to feel self-conscious. Up until now she had dominated the conversation, but Calvin’s easy manner had put her right at ease.
“Tell me about you, Calvin,” she said. “I remember that you had gotten married not long after I did.”
Calvin’s face turned soft, and he looked away. “Yes,” he said simply. “Christine.”
The pause became long enough that Stella began to feel uncomfortable. Calvin was looking off toward a couple who were sitting on the grass under a large tree. They were sitting shoulder to shoulder, touching each other companionably as they talked together. Stella could hear the girl’s tinkly laugh from across the grass.
Finally Stella broke the silence. “What happened?” she asked softly.
“We were together for twenty years. We had a wonderful life together. We had two boys and a girl and the house was always full of their friends.”
He paused, evidently looking for the words to continue.
“When the boys were in high school, and Shelly was in middle school, Christine went back to work. She was a librarian. At first, we thought that her fatigue was due to a change in her schedule, the added burden of going back to work. But she just got more and more tired. It got to the point that she could hardly stand on her feet for more than a few minutes. And she was losing weight. Fast.”
Stella’s stomach clenched in a knot. She was afraid of what was coming next.
“Finally I convinced her that she needed to see a doctor. Christine was always so healthy. She never needed doctors before. We discovered that she had stage four breast cancer. It was aggressive, and already in her lungs and bones. The doctors said that we could be aggressive with chemotherapy drugs, but they would not be able to cure her. The drugs would only prolong her life for a few months, tops.”
Stella touched Calvin’s arm lightly. “I’m so sorry, Calvin,” she said, blinking away the tears which were starting to spill from her eyes.
Calvin smiled and nodded, still watching the couple on the lawn.
“We had a great life together,” he said. “Christine was a wonderful mother. The children missed her terribly. It was very hard on them.”
“And very hard on you, I would imagine,” Stella interjected. “You had to raise them by yourself, then?”
“Yes. They are good kids, though. Christine had started them off on the right foot. All I had to do was continue with the pattern that she had started.”
“Where are they now?” Stella asked, curious.
“Randy is an airline pilot in Miami. He has three boys, all wild and full of energy. I can hardly keep up with them when they come to visit, and neither can the house. Charlie is in the Navy, stationed in South Carolina right now. He’s still single, but I haven’t given up hope on him yet. Then Shelly lives in Idaho with her two little ones. Her husband is an IT guy at Hewlett Packard. They are doing well there, but I don’t get to see them nearly enough.”
“It sounds like you have a wonderful family,” Stella said warmly,.
“Yes, I have been blessed,” Calvin said, then smiling broadly he turned toward Stella. “Now here I am reunited with a good friend. Life can give you such sweet surprises every now and then.”
(JoLyn)
Stella brushed the crumbs off her lap and checked her watch hoping that the time hadn’t gotten away from her while she had been reminiscing with Calvin. “I don’t suppose you could point me in the direction of the mathematics building? My 1:00 class is calling me.”
Calvin stood and stretched and then reached down a hand to Stella. She realized she could use the help. She had been so engrossed in the conversation that she hadn’t realized how stiff she had become from sitting on the ground. There was nothing like a sore body from doing nothing more than picnicking on the ground to remind herself that she wasn’t eighteen anymore. Upon standing, Stella stamped the numbness out of her leg and made a mental note to add a yoga class to her workout routine when she went to her gym tomorrow. She had noticed during the course of conversation that Calvin was keeping himself fit.
“Cut across the quad and then hang a left at the fountain. The math building is the one that resembles a prison minus the barbed wire.”
She smiled ruefully, feeling like incarceration might well be better than taking a math class. “Well, I guess I’ll see you Wednesday,” Stella said as she gathered up her bag and trash.
Calvin reached out a hand to take her lunch tray. “Right, don’t forget to read the first two chapters and sign up for a lab time.”
Stella had almost forgotten what had reunited the two of them. Calvin went to kiss her cheek at the same time that Stella had a momentary thought flash through her mind that maybe it was against school policy to be kissing her professor. She stiffened and stepped back at the last second, causing Calvin to stumble slightly as his lips met air instead of flesh. Stella mentally kicked herself as she simultaneously grabbed his arm and apologized. Why had she done that?
Stella hoped that her awkward maneuver hadn’t ruined one of the most comfortable and frankly, intimate encounters she’d had in a long time. She had caught Calvin furrowing his brows slightly as he recovered his step, but his face was placid again as he waved goodbye and she headed in the direction he had pointed her. Stella tried to put her gaffe out of her mind as she tried to focus on her upcoming class.
Knowing she had to pass the basic math class was what had almost derailed Stella’s decision to go back to school. Math had never been her forte and beyond the basics of balancing her checkbook, estimating gas mileage, converting recipes and the like, she found she had hardly ever used it in the decades since dropping out of college. Say what you will about Phil, Stella admitted, but he had been a champ at helping Gemma with her calculus homework.
Basic Math 111--math for general studies--was disastrous. Stella had no idea what was going on and it surely didn’t help that the class was taught by a TA with no previous teaching experience and a voice that rarely rose above mumbling. He stationed himself behind a lectern and projected the equations he was doing from his ipad to the large screen at the front of the room. Stella couldn’t remember ever learning this stuff. In fact, there were certain mathematical symbols that she was certain had been invented in the lengthy interim since her last math class. A quick peek at her schedule told her that she was indeed in the right class. She tried to quell the panic rising up from her chest as the TA turned the lights back on and assigned three pages of homework.
Stella hurriedly tried to finish copying down the sample equations in her notebook, but the screen was soon blocked by the bodies of the other students. She realized they were lining up to take a photo of the board on their phones. Stella was suddenly feeling very old and very far removed from her previous student years. But she determined this was the kind of change she could get behind and grabbed her phone to line up with the other students. She also decided to stop by the Math Department Office on her way out of the austere, gray building and line up a tutor. She had taken on bigger challenges in her life; a little old math class wasn’t going to stop her.
As Stella wove her way across the quad, through students young enough to be her grandchildren, her thoughts kept returning to Calvin. What were the chances or reconnecting with him? It had been over half a lifetime since she had seen him, but those years seemed to melt away this afternoon. She had enjoyed renewing their friendship this afternoon so much--minus the embarrassing farewell, of course. Stella’s mind drifted back to the relationship they had previously, back when they had promised they were going to marry each other. Stella hadn’t had feelings like that for a long time. The divorce was fairly recent, but Stella realized those feelings had been missing from her life for a long time before Phil ran off. Stella felt herself blush a little remembering the first kiss she had shared with Calvin. Was it nostalgia or hope to rekindle some passion that was making her feel so warm on the September afternoon? Stella laughed at herself; a romance with her biology professor was just what she needed to get her college career off to an auspicious start.
(Thelma)
That weekend, Calvin called Stella and asked her to dinner. They went to Louis’ Lunch, the birthplace of the hamburger and also the place where they had gone on their first date decades ago. Stella didn’t know if it was a coincidence or if Calvin was feeling sentimental when he suggested it. Either way, she was happy to go.
Their conversation over that meal and many subsequent meals over the next weeks was comfortable. Unlike some of her high school friends who she now had very little in common with, it was easy to reconnect with Calvin. They shared the same taste in movies and had read a lot of the same books. It turned out they were both fans of Yale Hockey too. They went to the home games together and cheered on the Bulldogs.
As the semester progressed, Stella and Calvin saw more and more of each other. She felt the same excitement she felt in high school when he called or when they were together. They were kind to each other and careful about the pasts they hadn’t shared. Calvin asked very little about Phil and never made Stella think that she had been stupid to put up with him in the first place. As for Stella, she tamped down the slight jealousy she felt about Calvin’s relationship with Christine. She asked questions about their life together and showed an interest in his children and grandchildren. She helped him pick out birthday presents for his grandchildren and he helped her with her math homework.
Three weeks before finals, Stella and Calvin were eating dinner together at Pepe’s. They were splitting a margherita pizza and talking about how spectacular New Haven pizza was. “The best in the world,” Calvin said between bites. Stella nodded, her mouth full of pizza. When they were done eating and had finished the pie, they both sat back and smiled at each other.
“This has been fun,” Calvin said.
“You mean eating an entire pizza between us?” Stella asked.
“Well, yes,” he said, “But I meant spending time together.” He reached over and took her hand. “I like being with you,” he said.
Stella smiled. It was fun. She tried not to overthink it or push the fledgling romance into something it wasn’t. Now, it seemed maybe Calvin wanted to talk about things; define the relationship. As if on cue, her cell phone rang.
It was an unfamiliar number, but a Jackson Hole area code. “Excuse me,” Stella said, “I think I should take this.” She rose from the table and shrugged her coat on while simultaneously answering the phone and walking outside to the sidewalk.
The woman on the phone told her she was a nurse at St. Johns’ Medical Center. She said, “Do you know Gemma Hocking?”
“She’s my daughter,” Stella said, walking a few feet away from the noisy crowded entrance to the restaurant.
“There has been an accident and Gemma has been admitted to the hospital. You were her ‘in case of emergency’ contact on her cell phone.”
“An accident? Is she OK? What happened?” Stella felt like her knees were going to give way. Calvin was suddenly at her side. Wordlessly, he took her arm and guided her down the street toward his parked car. He unlocked her door then walked around to the driver seat and started the car, turning up the heat. Meanwhile, the nurse on the other end of the line was explaining to Stella that there had been an accident and Gemma had been a passenger in a car. The driver had apparently been drinking and had crashed. Thankfully there were no other cars involved. They were both in critical condition. “Thank you,” Stella said, “I’m on my way.”
She hung up the phone and looked over at Calvin. He was watching her carefully. “What is it?” he asked, touching her arm.
“Gemma,” she said, “I have to call Phil.”
While she found his number in her contacts, Calvin said, “I’ll drive you home.”
Phil lived in Greenwich, in the house they used to share. After the divorce, Stella wanted nothing to do with him or Greenwich. She had returned to New Haven, where she’d grown up, and bought a little house in West Haven near the beach. Phil answered the phone and listened to what she knew about Gemma. “Which airport do you want to fly out of?” he asked.
“I-I don’t know,” Stella stammered. She couldn’t process all of this.
“I’ll get you a ticket. I’ll let you know what I work out,” Phil said. He didn’t even say good-bye before he hung up the phone.
Stella discovered they were sitting in her driveway and Calvin was looking at her expectantly. She said, “Gemma…”
“I know,” Calvin said, “I heard you telling Phil. Are you OK?”
“Yes,” she said, although she really wasn’t. “I wish I could talk to Gemma.” She had the sickening realization that Gemma was unable to talk, that’s why they’d looked on her phone for an emergency contact.
“Can I do anything for you?” Calvin asked.
“No, thank you. And I’m sorry about tonight.”
Calvin waved his hand. “No apology necessary.”
“I guess I’m going to fly out there,” Stella said, “I’d better go get ready.”
“Do you need me to go with you?” Calvin asked.
Stella looked at him, a little surprised, would he really be willing to go with her? “It’s OK,” Stella said, “You need to finish up the semester.”
“Yeah,” Calvin looked glum at the prospect.
Calvin hugged her a little longer than usual when he said good-night. “I’m really sorry,” he said, “Please call me if you need anything. Let me drive you to the airport.”
“OK,” Stella said, allowing herself to sink into his arms a little bit before putting herself back together. She had to get to Gemma.
Stella didn’t end up needing a ride to the airport from Calvin. Phil got them both tickets out of Hartford so he picked her up on his way early the next morning. When Stella called to tell Calvin, he sounded a little disappointed. Also, he reminded her about his daughter Shelly. “She lives in Idaho Falls,” he said, “That’s just a few hours away from Jackson Hole. Just call her if you need anything.”
Stella couldn’t imagine needing to call Calvin’s daughter that she had never met but she dutifully wrote down the phone number anyway.
Phil looked relaxed while they drove to Hartford, only his hands clenching the steering wheel tightly gave away his anxiety. “Tad,” he said out of the blue.
“Do we even know for sure she was with Tad?”
“I guess not.” He looked over at her and asked, “Are you OK?”
“I think so, thanks for getting the tickets and picking me up.”
“Of course,” he said.
Phil had always been the one you wanted in a crisis. He was level headed and good at planning logistics. Also, he could afford to foot the bill.
They traveled along in silence for awhile and Stella watched the trees whiz by on the the side of the interstate in the early morning light. All the bright leaves were just about gone.
“Hey,” she said, suddenly, “Do you remember when we saw a wild turkey on the side of the road one autumn and Gemma wouldn’t eat turkey for a year.”
“She didn’t know it was meat from an animal.” Phil laughed at the memory. Then he turned to her, looking more serious. “I miss you Stel.”
Stella just looked at him.
“I made a mistake.”
“What about--”
“Angie? We broke up. About a year ago.”
“Really? Gemma didn’t say anything…”
“I don’t think she knows. She’ll hardly talk to me.”
Good for Gemma, Stella thought as she turned toward the window again.
After a few more minutes of silence, Phil said, “Stel?”
“Let’s just go take care of our girl, OK?” Stella said.
********
In Jackson Hole, Phil drove the rental car straight to the hospital. Phil and Stella stood side by side while they spoke to the doctor. He called them Mr. and Mrs. Hocking and assumed they were still married. No one corrected him. The doctor had good news to report about Gemma. She was now stable. She had several injuries, including a head injury, and was in a medically induced coma. He didn’t have good news about Tad. Tad had indeed been the one driving drunk. He had died during the night. A wave of sadness and survivor guilt and relief that her daughter was improving passed over Stella when she heard about Tad. She had to put him out of her mind though. She needed to attend to Gemma. Stella was good at putting things out of her mind. It was a skill she had perfected over the past several years with her divorce.
After they visited their sleeping daughter and held her hand and told her they loved her, Phil convinced Stella to go with him to the hospital cafeteria for something to eat.
After they had discussed Gemma’s condition and prognosis, Phil was noticeably more relaxed. They both were. It was a relief to be there and know that Gemma was improving and in good hands. “I got us a condo at The Four Seasons,” he said, “It’s out by the ski resort but it’s all I could find.”
“Us a condo?” Stella asked.
“It’s all I could find,” he repeated. “And don’t worry. It’s a two bedroom condo.”
“I’ll just stay here with Gemma,” Stella said.
“You need your rest,” Phil said. He flagged down a cafeteria worker and asked her for a straw. After Phil had flashed his smile at her, she acted like it was a great honor to track down a straw for him. He handed it to Stella. He had remembered that she preferred drinking with a straw.
“Thank you,” she said humbly.
“Your hair is different,” Phil said, turning his megawatt smile to her, “I like it.”
Stella sipped her water and said nothing.
“I meant what I said,” Phil said, “Angie...it was all a mistake. A huge mistake.” There was a pause and he continued. “I know, you don’t want to talk about it right now. But seeing you again…”
“We should get back to Gemma,” Stella said.
********
Over the next few days, Gemma’s condition steadily improved. Eventually they lessened the anesthesia and she was awake for a few minutes off and on during the day. She kept telling them how sorry she was about the accident. They had both decided not to tell her about Tad until she was more recovered. Stella dreaded the time when Gemma would ask about him and she was grateful to have Phil there. It had been a long time since she’d felt like she had a partner in parenting. It was nice to be with someone who cared about Gemma as much as she did. She hated to admit it, but it was nice to be around him again too. He could really be very charming.
At night they would drive back, exhausted, to the condo. It was luxurious and Stella was sure, very expensive. Most nights she’d go into her room and shut the door. The entreating looks Phil gave her were nothing she felt like confronting. Multiple times a day, Calvin texted to check in with her and ask about Gemma’s progress. One evening, she called him He had asked her to call when she had a chance. After he had inquired about Gemma, he said, “I miss you, Stella.” It was a thrill to hear him say that. Stella could feel herself blushing.
“I miss you too,” Stella said. And she did, but she was also confused. She liked being with Calvin. He made her laugh and made her feel needed and appreciated. He reminded her of what it felt like to fall in love with him back in high school. He made her pulse race. At the same time, she wondered if she’d ever get over feeling like she was a weak replacement for Christine. Christine was the one he’d shared a life and raised his children with. He loved Christine. Stella wanted what Calvin and Christine had had. Perhaps sensing her mood, Calvin changed the subject and started telling her about a student of his who had skipped most of the semester of classes and was now trying desperately to get a passing grade out of him.
“She brought me cookies!” Calvin said in disbelief.
Stella laughed and said that she thought she would have to make cookies too to make up for the classes that she was missing. Phil must have heard her laughing. He tapped on the door and then walked in.
“M*A*S*H is on TV,” he said. It was the show they loved to watch together when Gemma was a baby.
Stella held the phone away and said softly, “OK, just a minute.”
“Do you need to go?” Calvin asked.
“It’s just Phil,” Stella said.
“Just Phil?” Phil said incredulously, “Just Phil?” He was mocking her and smiling wickedly.
“You’re in the same room?” Calvin asked.
“No,” Stella said, turning away from Phil, “Well, we are sharing a condo but there are two bedrooms.”
“Oh.”
“So, who was that?” Phil asked when she hung up the phone a few minutes later. “New boyfriend?”
“Actually, it’s an old boyfriend,” Stella said, enjoying the look of discomfort that flashed briefly across Phil’s face. “It’s Calvin. We dated in high school and he’s my biology professor at Southern. We’re friends.”
“Friends, huh?”
“Yes.”
“Well, let’s watch M*A*S*H,” Phil said, “I had room service bring in a walnut brownie ice cream sandwich. Do you want to split it?”
Stella smiled. There was comfort in being with someone who knew her tastes and she had almost forgotten how much she had enjoyed their ritual of sharing a dessert while they watched a TV show. She settled in on the couch and thought maybe it wasn’t too late to try for what Calvin and Christine had had. Maybe she could have it again with Phil.
********
The next morning Stella and Phil were at the hospital and met with Gemma’s doctor. He said that Gemma was doing so well they were going to move her out of intensive care. They were in a buoyant mood after the meeting when Stella got a text message from Calvin, “I’m thinking of you. Call when you can?”
Phil had heard the chime of the text. “Message from your friend?” he asked with a smile. He’s jealous, Stella thought. The thought made her smile. How ironic.
“Yes,” she said, “I’m going to go make a call.”
Calvin answered his phone immediately. “I thought you may be in class,” Stella said.
“You’re forgetting the time difference,” he said. “I’m done for the morning.”
“How is it going? Any more visits from the desperate student?”
They talked awhile about Calvin’s morning and Stella filled him in on the good news about Gemma. Then Calvin said, “Things ended abruptly that night at Pepe’s. I wanted to talk to you more.”
“OK,” Stella said, not knowing where this was going.
“I loved Christine very much,” he said.
“Yes, I know.” Why was he telling her this? She knew!
“I...have really enjoyed spending time with you,” he said. Stella closed her eyes. She was bracing herself to hear him say that it wasn’t the same with her, he didn’t want to continue.
“This is really hard to express,” he said.
“Listen,” Stella said, “This is hard over the phone. Let’s wait until I get back home and then we’ll talk OK?” She did not want to deal with this right now.
“All right,” he said miserably.
Stella hung up the phone and her shoulders drooped. It was for the best anyway. She didn’t want to spend her life being second to Christine. He might as well end it now. She looked up and saw Phil standing before her, watching her. “Guess who is hungry?” he asked, smiling.
“Gemma?” Stella smiled too and followed him back down the hall to Gemma’s room. This was progress. Gemma was getting better all the time.
“So how’s your friend?” Phil asked as they walked.
“Fine,” Stella said. She knew Phil wanted to hear more but she didn’t want to say more.
In the room Gemma was smiling and looking more like herself than she had through the whole ordeal. “I want food!” she said.
A nurse talked with her about what she could eat and promised to bring it back. After she left, Gemma turned to her parents. “I asked the nurse about Tad and she wouldn’t tell me anything. She said to ask you. Is he OK?”
Stella felt Phil by her side and felt his arm at her back, supporting her. He knew how she had been dreading this moment.
“Sweetheart--” she began, “He didn’t survive the accident.”
“What?!?” Gemma burst into tears and Phil and Stella sat by her bedside, comforting their daughter, together.
*******
Despite all of the great progress Gemma had made, that was perhaps the hardest day at the hospital. Gemma was heartbroken over the loss of Tad. She felt guilty that she had survived and that she had let him drive. “He kept saying he was fine,” she wailed. Phil gently took their daughter in his arms while she cried and Stella looked on, eyes welling with tears too.
When they finally left the hospital, Phil said, “Let’s go to dinner. I’m starving.”
Stella agreed. They found a small Italian restaurant and settled into the booth. “That was rough,” Stella said.
“You were amazing though,” Phil said, “You’ve always been such a good mother.”
“You were pretty good too,” Stella said, “It was easier to be there together.”
“This is what I’ve been telling you,” Phil said. “We belong together, Stel. I love you. I’ve made some big mistakes. I was rotten. You have to forgive me though. I want you back.”
While he spoke, Stella looked up into Phil’s handsome face. She was remembering all the small kindnesses he had given her in the past days. He had been attentive and charming. He knew what she liked. It was just comfortable to be together. Maybe they should give it another try.
At that moment, a woman in a tight and revealing dress walked by the table. She caught Phil’s attention and he broke off from what he was saying as his eyes followed the woman’s progress past the table. The woman smiled coyly at Phil and kept walking. Phil watched her go then turned his attention back to Stella.
That was as familiar as sitting next to him or Phil remembering she liked to drink with a straw too. Maybe on some level Phil did still love Stella, but he had not changed. She could see that.
“I’ve got to go,” Stella said, “I’ll take a cab back to the hotel.” She rose from the table and Phil was right beside her.
“What is it?” he said, “Are you OK?”
“I just want to leave,” she said.
“Well I don’t even know if you could get a taxi around here,” Phil said, “I’ll drive you.”
Stella waited by the door while Phil paid for their half eaten food. She wasn’t hungry anymore anyway. She was mostly angry and not even at Phil. Poor Phil didn’t even know what had happened. She was angry at herself. How could she be so desperate that she could overlook Phil’s wandering eyes?
She had done that long enough. She was a different person now. She didn’t need Phil and she was not going to put up with his antics again.
Phil kept trying to ask her what had happened while they drove back to The Four Seasons. “I’m fine,” Stella said with a sigh.
“I’m going to walk through the lobby and see why the wi-fi wasn’t working in our room this morning,” Phil said.
“I’ll go with you,” Stella said. It was late and she didn’t want to walk down the wooded path to their condo alone.
A familiar figure rose from a couch in the lobby.
“Calvin?” she said, stunned.
“I needed to talk to you,” he said, looking from Stella to Phil and back to Stella again. “Can I?”
“Yes,” Stella said. It was hard to wrap her mind around Calvin standing here in front of her.
“I’m her husband,” Phil said.
“Oh, sorry,” Stella said, “Calvin, this is my ex-husband, Phil. Phil, this is Calvin.” They awkwardly shook hands.
“Can we go for a drive?” Calvin asked.
Stella nodded.
Once inside the car, Calvin didn’t turn the key, instead he faced Stella and said, “Stella, I love you. I tried to tell you at Pepe’s and on the phone this morning. I couldn’t get the words out. I also couldn’t stand the thought of you here, with him.”
“What? I thought you were breaking up with me.”
“I love you,” Calvin said, “I was trying to explain...about Christine. I loved her. We had a good marriage. But, I love you. I always have. I want to be with you. I don’t want you to get back together with Phil.”
“So you flew here? To tell me this?”
“Yes,” Calvin said, “I was terrified. You sounded so distant on the phone and then, you were sharing a room with Phil…” Calvin shook his head. “I lost you to Phil once before and I am not going to let that happen again.”
“But…”
“Please,” Calvin said taking her hand in his, “Just give us a chance.”
“OK,” Stella said, smiling up at him.
Calvin pulled Stella across the front seat for a kiss more intense than either of them thought was still possible.
